Here is one very small good thing: You’re reminding the rest of us that our mundane choices, day in and day out, matter a lot.
If your life feels unprincipled or confusing or complicated or wrong, then you have to take steps to clean things up.
Then, last week, he gets a terminal cancer diagnosis. They do some global tests and it’s everywhere, and it’s too late to treat it. I am devastated that my boyfriend is going to die, that all his dreams mean nothing, and I’m terrified to leave him in such a situation.
He’ll never forgive me, and I may never forgive me either.
I don’t want you to be filled with regret over this.
I want you to work through this, no matter how hard it feels.
And if you run away and move to another country so that you don’t have to deal with any of the ugliness, that will have its costs, too. But when you know that you’re doing that — when you’re staying with someone because you’re afraid of being alone, when you’re having an affair because you know it’ll be easier to leave your boyfriend if there’s someone to escape to, when you’re leaning on someone you know you don’t care about because you know they’ll support you, when you’re running away because it feels uncomfortable to see someone you put on a pedestal admit that they’re lost and vulnerable — you have to change what you’re doing. Maybe you’ve fallen short on this front, but maybe your boyfriend has, too.
Maybe he’s been letting your relationship drag on and his heart hasn’t been in it, either.
Were you afraid to be alone after your grandfather died?
The timing was bad for you then; now it’s bad for your boyfriend. I would caution you against making decisions based on your fear of sickness and death and helping someone through something horrifying. Given the story you’ve laid out, I’m concerned about your habit of running away from things that are hard.